Welcome to Hairy Wart!
Home of the SOUTHERN FRIED SASS DETECTIVE AGENCY and the DRAGONETTES - proof that it's not the size of the scales but the SASS in the flames that makes the Guardsma...ahem, I mean,GUARDSWOMAN.
Where the Tofu is always Southern Fried and the Soul Food is vegetarian, 'cause it just wouldn't be right to eat your neighbors.
When the mood strikes and the need for change is too strong to ignore, most people move to the big city or the mountains, heck, some even head to the beach.
Not me. No way. That would be too easy. No L.A., Aspen, of Miami for this Witchess with the mostest.
Hairy Wart, LA, is where I landed.
Not only is it the southern fried tofu capital of the world, but this blink-and-you-miss-it ‘burg with a population of Ninety-nine-point-five, (Do not ask.) and a mayor who happens to be a seven-foot Pink Bunny when the mood strikes just may be the home of the craftiest chicken-napping, knife-wielding crazy killer I've ever come up against.
To say I might have bitten off more than I can chew is an understatement, but I absolutely refuse to admit defeat. Especially not with Sherriff Sexy Pants dogging my every step and making me all hot and bothered. Whoever said a Gator Shifter can’t make a couple yards of denim happy they became a pair of Wranglers never met Beauregard St. Croix. He’s takes a bite outta crime in an up close and personal kinda way that I’m liking a little more every day.
With a mighty swish of my wand and my sisters by my side, I have made it my mission to rid Hairy Wart of all things nefarious and make the streets safe for everybody – scaled, furry, feathered, or otherwise. No case too small, no lawbreaker too evil. We’re here to help!
Bubble, bubble, are you in trouble? Not to worry, we'll be there on the double. No need to fear. No need to fret. We're Southern Fried Sass, Baby. We won’t even break a sweat!
Welcome back to Hairy Wart! I missed the heck outta all of ya’! And, I know you won’t be surprised that we’re once again raisin’ hell and forgettin’ to take names.
Rosie, here, buckle up, Buttercups, I'm the Witch your momma warned you about, but in an epically awesome way. Promise.
Everything was fine. I mean, normal…for us. Faith and I were arguing as usual, my bossy Gator-in-law was butting his snout in where it didn’t belong, and Daisy was runnin’ interference when she could keep her eyes open. Just another sunny day in Hairy Wort…right?
Sure, but dadgummit it was shorter lived than a flea fart in a windstorm. Gettin' outta the house (away from Faith) Taffy and I happened upon a dead body in the rubble of the Marshall Mansion that literally got up and walked away when we weren’t lookin’. No! I am not messin’ with you. I swear it happened.
Now, Beau and Faith are losin’ their minds, the Dragonettes are beside themselves, and Daisy, well, she’s sleepin' but that beside the point. Just when I thought things had fallen to the bottom of the swamp where the creepy crawlies creep and crawl, a tall, handsome Panther with a quick smile and a glint in his gleaming emerald eyes appeared smack dab in the middle of this mess and he's tellin’ everybody who’ll listen that he’s my Mate.
What the H-E-Double-hockey-sticks am I supposed to do with that pile of Grunch crap? Good Goddess, if you love me, send a hundred-pound box of chocolate and three gallons of Miss Bunny’s sweet iced tea.
One thing's for darned sure, when the Goddess and the Universe team up, with Destiny and Fate on the sidelines, well, it's more than a Witch can endure. Come on down, hang out a while, ‘cause Heaven knows I could use your help.
Dragonettes, Honey Buns, and one dead Piggy Princess!
Hang On, Hairy Wort, it’s Lazy Daisy to the rescue…well, sorta.
Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, Baker Bear’s Witch,
Oh, dear me I just flipped that switch.
There’s a pig in the oven as dead as can be,
Without a heart, or a lung, or a danged kid-ney.
With a zip and a zap and a tappity-tap,
I’ll fix this mess even without a catnap.
Got Miss Bunny, Doc Downey, and Granny Cleo,
One, two, three, and away we go.
Bubble, Bubble, we sure got some trouble.
Another Piggie’s missing, so now it’s double.
Somethin’ sure stinks, but that might be the skunks,
Or the Cats, or the Possums, oh heck! They’re all punks.
See ya’ in Hairy Wort.
It’s sure to be a snort!
Come ‘on down!
There’ll be laughs all ‘round.
Put your head between your legs and kiss your booty buh-bye, you’re never gonna believe what’s goin' on now.
It all started with a surprise visit from a mouse... Well, not really a mouse... Billy's a Greater Bilby... But that's just a fancy Australian name for goofy gray rodent with big, pointy ears and a nasty disposition. I mean, I guess...to be politically correct I should... Oh, hell, when have I ever given a rat's behind about bein' politically correct?
No time for BS. I'm gonna Joe Friday this bitch. You know, just the facts, ma'am and all that happy horseshit.
Here's what I have so far:
· Plea for help from Billy the Bilby
· Missing Sloth, who also happens to be my Mate, not to mention a Deputy with a badge and gun which would be so helpful right now
· A tingle in the palm of my wand hand and a wiggle in Wanda's shiny little tip ~ sure signs somethin' wicked this way’s acomin'
And… Wait for it... This is the BIG one. Big, like we’re all headed to Hell in a handcart at a high rate of speed with no brakes, no passing Go, no $200, and no clue what to do ~ H-U-G-E.
· Every single one of the Dragonettes is conked out. Completely and totally unresponsive. Like colorful, little Sleeping Beautys snorin' all over the place. Yeah, you're so right. I said, "Oh, shit," more than once, too. Trouble is, we’ve got no colorful little Prince Charmings to pucker up and lay one on 'em. Life without my fiery sidekick is just plain boring. Oh, and, scary as all get out.
Talk about trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with ME, and that stands for the crazy-ass Witch who better get her butt in gear.
Bubble, bubble, who the hell asked for a bubble.
We’re off to the Swamp, a nasty hex to tromp.
Wanda the wand is rarin’ to scoot and the crazy Wolf came too…t. (Sorry, rhyming's not my thing. Talk to Daisy. She's the danged poet.)
Grab your boots, your magic, and a big can of bug spray, I’mma need all the help I can get. Don’t worry ‘bout the Gators, they’ve been fed, even that nasty little redhead, Nannette.
P.S. If you see Dash, tell him to get his Slothy butt to the Swamp!
Or, You can get them all in one spot!
Welcome to Hairy Wart, Luuueeesiana.
The tofu's southern fried, and the Soul Food's vegetarian ~
‘Cause it’s just not right to eat your friends.
Here they are! The first FOUR stories in the Southern Fried Sass series - all in one place!
Bubble, bubble, you got trouble?
Don'tcha worry. Don'tcha fret. We'll be there on the double.
No job too big. No villain too crazy.
We're Southern Fried Sass! Somebody wake up Daisy!
OH! And most importantly, (At least in their minds.) meet the DRAGONETTES! Livin', breathin', smokin' proof that it's not the size of the scales but the SASS in the flames that makes the Guardsma...ahem, I mean, Guardswoman.
Take a load off. Put your feet up. And, enjoy!
XOXO Julia
